This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
