I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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