Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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