The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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