it hurts more in the daytime
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
