cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
