I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
