if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
