So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize