Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
