Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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