forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
