Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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