she woke up with a sticky ear
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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