they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
