I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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