made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
