You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
