hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
