dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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