I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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