I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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