don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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