Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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