The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize