she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
