party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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