I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
