you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
