if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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