I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
