Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Floor bacon is actually really good
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
