Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
