he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
