I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Too much gin, very little bucket
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize