im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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