Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
