i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize