This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
