I'm really into asian looking animals
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize