this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
