If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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