Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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