Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
