my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
