Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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