So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
