ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
