Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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