i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
