mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
