she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
