I wish life had little blips of pornography
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Everclear isn't food dammit
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
