I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
