She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
what the fuck happened to the tacos
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
