His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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