your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
