On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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