It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
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