Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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