She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
