do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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