Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
