I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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