you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
