and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize