I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
