I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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